18th Gear

I have virtually nothing in common with Jeremy Clarkson. That sentence is actually fairly irrelevant to this entry but it makes me feel good to see it written down. It had one purpose and that is to provide me with a get out in case I make any basic mistakes when talking about cars.

I happily confess to having no interest in cars. I neither know nor care how they work or what makes one better than another. They are simply the thing that gets me where I want to go when I cannot walk. Until recently the only time I even think about them is to dodge them when I am crossing a road or feel smug that I no longer have one every time the news reports on price rises (i.e. every news bulletin).

That has changed recently, thanks to cycling. I have never been much of a cyclist either. They were always the thing that got me where I wanted to go when the distance was between walk and car. That has changed recently thanks to this year of challenges.

So now I have quite a nice bike and I need to take it out for long distances on roads shared with cars. On these rides I have plenty of thinking time. Cars occupy a lot of those thoughts. Usually little more than "red one, blue one, pink one - who owns a pink car?" or "do you want to give me any less room? you thoughtless bastard". Then, on a particularly dull stretch of road (between Windsor and Ascot, in case you know it) I became acutely aware of how dramatic a difference there is in the amount of noise different brands of car make. Size obviously has an impact, noise pollution being another stick we can use to beat the Chelsea Tractor brigade but going like for like in size stakes then my uncalibrated and biased measuring system (my ears) allowed me to form a definite brand hierarchy. And now, because I haven't posted much recently I'm going to share some very dull observations about cars. If your car brand is not mentioned name it in the comments section and I might reply with a detailed analysis of how noisy it is when it is overtaking you.

• German mid-range cars are all much of a muchness, making me wonder if they have a law that prescribing a precise sound emission level. They are noisier than I would have expected.
• American cars are quite loud and sound like they are being choked.
• Peugeot seems to have the biggest variation in relative noise between car sizes, Vauxhall is not far behind.
• Mitsubishis make a very unpleasant noise.
• The quietest cars on the road are Toyotas. In fact they are dangerously quiet and you do not always realise there is one behind you.
• The noisiest car on the road (excluding sports cars, which I assume are deliberately noisy) are Rovers. They could drown the noise of a herd of buffalo stampeding on a gravel track whilst chanting a marching song (in Buffaloesque, obviously).

Actually, on the subject of driving - if anybody fancies beingthe all expenses paid driver for 2 men travelling from Ben Nevis to Snowdon via Scafell Pike then please email me. Dates should be 25 (day off work) and 26 July.