The Obligatory End of Year Award Ceremony

You join me here in London’s West End for that most important part of any themed year – the Award Ceremony. We all know how these work, the organisers carefully arrange a gathering in which they pick a select few to nominally raise above others in what is, in reality, a self congratulatory publicity exercise. However I should not grumble as the organiser of this ceremony is paying for all my alcohol and food tonight, which I am making the most of as I await to find out the identity of the lucky winners in categories I am just about to make up.

I applaud enthusiastically as I arrive to make the announcements to myself. I raise my hands to quieten my cheers. I clear my throat.

“Thank me for attending tonight. It is a great honour for me to have asked myself to present the inaugural awards honouring some of the best things that have happened to me for the first time this year. And what a year it has been – the sheer number of new experiences means that just deciding on the categories will be quite a challenge in itself [I pause as I laugh politely at my weak joke]. Sadly none of the winners can be with me tonight but I am pleased to announce that I will be accepting on their behalf. I will also be pleased to know that this means I will not be giving any thank me speeches, particularly because we are already running late, it is nearly last orders and I need to get back for my after awards ceremony party before the kebab shop shuts. So without further ado let me press on with announcing the winners.

1. Best food tried for the first time
It is not easy to decide how good a new food is because it is so dependent on how it is cooked and what other ingredients it has been combined with. For that reason judgment has been reserved on impala and sardines (not together). Having so often sworn never to put a tentacle near my mouth surprise of the year has been octopus but the winner by virtue of a versatility that means it is now included in almost every meal I prepare is linseed.

2. Best wine tried for the first time
If, at the start of the year, you had predicted that the winner in this (or indeed any) category would come from Argentina I would have snorted derisively. But O. Fournier Alpha Crux 2004 has proven once again that prejudice makes fools of even the best of us. I will also mention just one of the many also rans - Lanson Noble Cuvee Blanc du Blanc, which taught me that champagne is more than just a rich man’s cava.

3. Best drinking establishment visited for the first time
What do you want from a great drinking venue? Good music at an acceptable volume? Friendly staff? A decent selection of drinks at reasonable prices? A pool table? Maybe sports on television but otherwise switched off to avoid distracting you from the engrossing conversations with the locals? Tosca Cafe in San Francisco had none of this* but wins by virtue of being so achingly cool that it does not even need to call itself a bar.

* Whilst double checking the name I saw repeated reference to the quality of the music on the jukebox at Tosca. I suspect it was so fitting that I thought my head was making its own soundtrack.

4. Best restaurant visited for the first time
This has been another difficult category to judge, not least because a good meal is dependent on much more than the food. This year I have discovered the pleasures of the American steakhouse (notably Ruth’s Chris in San Francisco, N9NE in Las Vegas and the Porter House in New York). Haweli in Twyford also deserves a mention (not least in the hope that my ban by proxy ends soon). But all I really want on the table is simple, good quality small plates of stuff and Dehesa in London epitomises that style of cooking. It is so good that standing around in the crowded bar area for an hour because of its no booking policy is not enough to stop it being the winner.

5. Best book read for the first time
It has not been a good year for books. The end of my commuting and beginning of my filling all my spare time preparing for other activities has drastically reduced reading time. However, qualifying by virtue of my managing to get through 30 pages before the end of the year and learning more from that 30 pages than I did from the whole of the hospitality course, the winner is Critical Mass by Philip Ball.

6. Best musical artist seen for the first time
If there was any justice Unkle would be the clear winner of this category. But there isn't and Unkle are second. Intensity, energy and excitement become irrelevant if you do not end the show by having two band members smashing metal beer trays over their heads whilst you hug the sweaty Irishman jumping up and down next to you. Well done The Pogues.

7. Best musical artist heard for the first time
Peter, Bjorn & John and TTC both deserve a mention for bucking the female singer songwriter trend that dominated my iPod. Ultimately though a woman was always going to win and anybody who can outweird Bjork and still sound good deserves recognition. Unfortunately for Lykke Li that recognition has come on an unread and soon to finish blog. Bummer.

8. Best irrational dislike developed for the first time
For most of the year the clear winner would have been brown leather jackets with cream stripes but in the last couple of months I became so irritated by people walking down the street carrying takeaway paper coffee cups that even the two tone cow skin was eclipsed. I’m not going to try to explain, that would disqualify it from this category.

9. Best sports event attended for the first time
For sheer entertainment value Arsenal (4) v Spurs (4) in the Premier League* takes some beating but I lost money on that. For a single great performance Kauto Star winning its third King George VI Chase was a bit special, but I lost money on that. As with live music, this has been decided not for the spectacle but for the occasion. The winner is the Athens derby, Olympiakos v Panathinaikos. A tedious 0-0 draw of a match but being surrounded by 70,000 people willing death on eleven men and setting fire to their own stadium is something I fully recommend. Actually just the tube ride to the ground is something I fully recommend.

* In case anybody has enough time to take issue with these things I have seen Arsenal v Spurs before but never in the league.

10. Best city visited for the first time
Fascinating, fun, beautiful, vibrant – I have used numerous adjectives this year to describe the fascinating, fun, beautiful and vibrant cities I have seen but only one has been somewhere I would move to without hesitation. San Francisco wins, end of category.

11. Best person met for the first time
It is so pleasing to be able to say that by far the majority of the people I have met this year have been fascinating, fun, beautiful and vibrant people. I owe these people so much more than I can ever repay (and if one adds what I owe the people I already knew then my emotional debt makes the credit crunch look like a few coins fallen down the back of the sofa). I am not naming names for fear of missing somebody so if I had any sort of contact with you this year I thank you. With that in mind you would think this would be the hardest of all categories but it is, in fact the easiest. Walking away with this prize, albeit with the aid of a conveniently placed item of furniture, is Fionn".

I applaud the winners, I sympathise with the losers. I empty my glass and leave. It would appear that I was successful in keeping the venue quiet from the paparazzi so will be able to continue the revelry without it being splashed all over the gossip columns. Shame.