24 - Series 7 - The 3 Peaks

The following events take place between 3.15 and 7.28pm.
Denzil, Kelly and Chris are in the Ben Nevis Visitors Centre. They approach a bald old man not dissimilar in looks, voice and, as it turns out, personality to Private Fraser from Dad’s Army.
Chris - What’s the weather like at the summit?
Fraser - You’ll be best coming back tomorrow at 8am when we will have a more precise forecast.
Chris - We were planning on climbing it now.
Fraser - You have to give yourself 4 hours up and 3 hours back. It will be dark on your descent and you won’t leave any time to be rescued if you get injured. It is bitingly cold up there at the moment and visibility is no more than 10 metres. You really would be making a big mistake going up now – it would be different if you were doing the 3 Peaks…
Denzil - We are
Kelly - And I’m driving so won’t be holding them back.
Fraser - Aye, you got the short straw did ya? You won’t be smiling when you are driving down to Scafell and these two are snoring away. So it’s the 3 Peaks is it? You need to be up and down in 5 hours, any more than 5 and a half and you don’t have a chance but take a lot of water because below the cloud line it is hot and people yesterday were dehydrating and it was much less humid than today. You might want to rethink though because, to be honest, it’s shit up there. Have you climbed the mountains before.
Chris - Yes
Chris buys a map of the summit and they leave the old man to sell souvenir haggis to tourists.
Denzil - I’m willing to admit I’m quite scared now but we haven’t just driven all this way to not even start this. Have you really climbed the mountains before Chris?
Chris – No [Cut to Commercials]

Chris and Denzil cross a bridge, Ben Nevis looms in front of them. The official start time is 3.30pm. The path splits:
Chris: We need to go South East. Where’s the sun? [Looks up] Ok, this way.
Denzil looks at his compass, nods and follows Chris as they climb the steep but well defined path up Ben Nevis in near silence. Chris leads at an impressive pace, they sweat profusely in the late afternoon sun. Cut to Kelly sitting outside the Visitor’s Centre planning the drive to Scafell Pike. Fraser walks up to her.
Fraser - I know the 3 Peaks route well, the first service station after you get on the M6 is perfect to stop at late at night.
Kelly - Are you from around here?
Fraser - Aye, I like walking in the foothills but I hate the mountain.
Kelly - Have you ever been up it?
Fraser - No
Chris and Denzil are now above the grass level, a stunning mountain lake is just behind them. A helicopter buzzes over head, they look up to see it is mountain rescue headed for the summit. The path has become loose shale and there are fewer people around. [Cut to Commercials]

Chris and Denzil are on the plateau at the summit. The cloud is thick. Sheer drops are on either side of them with cloud rising up from the edge.
Chris - That’s 5 Finger Gully. On the other side is the North East Face. You can see how close the path goes between them. That is why if the cloud comes in too much you can easily walk over the edge but visibility is good enough for us to stay on the path. [5 minutes more walking on the desolate and lifeless plateau] There’s the trig point, we are at the top. Although that hut over there looks higher.
Photos are taken and they sit on the trig point.
Denzil - I reckon my view is more than 10 metres, maybe even 30. I’ve driven on Motorways in worse conditions.
Chris - And it’s not too cold. I don’t mind people giving you bad news but they should at least be honest and not try to scare you.
Two slower climbers ask Chris to take their photo and then Chris and Denzil dash down the mountain – skidding on the scree.
Elderly tourist sitting by the path to her husband as Chris and Denzil pass: That’s how you should do it. A hop and a jump.
Denzil speaking into his mobile - Kelly we are 15 minutes from the meeting point.
Kelly - I’ll be ready.
Kelly keeps her word and as Chris and Denzil return to the car they see food and water waiting for them. Within minutes the car leaves the car park.
…………………………………………………
The following events take place between 7.29pm and 2.06am.
Denzil sleeps in the back of the car whilst Chris directs Kelly. The discussion is unheard (I was asleep) but probably about the poor taste each has in music. The car stops at Gretna for a break. Denzil and Kelly step out the car for a break, Chris dozes in the front. Back in the car, Denzil sleeping in the back, Chris directing. As they enter Cumbria a torrential downpour takes place. They turn down a country lane and ease past numerous sheep sleeping in the middle of it. There is no light except the car head lights. They pull into a grass car park with no life. Chris and Denzil leave the car.
……………………………………………………
The following events take place between 2.07am and 6.05am
Chris has a head torch shining the way, Denzil has nothing and is scrabbling around trying to stay more or less behind Chris. It is pitch black and incredibly humid, they sweat even more profusely than in the Ben Nevis sunshine. In the distance they hear a car alarm, it stops and starts again.
Denzil - All the descriptions of the route said the path up the mountain was very clear. I’m not sure we are even on a path.
Chris - The GPS is very unhappy, we aren’t moving quickly enough for it to get its bearing properly.
They are struggling over rocks and through boggy scrubland. Every now and then torches can be seen in the distance but these vanish.
Chris: Let’s aim for those sheep, they often lie in short grass by paths.
Chris and Denzil are back on the path walking past ghostly images of sheep. [Cut to commercials].

Kelly is trying to sleep in the car. The car is parked near a wall, men keep going up to the wall and urinating. Denzil and Chris are still meandering in the dark.
Denzil - We’ve lost the path again but I think it’s beginning to get light. We’ll be able to see properly soon.
Chris - We’re also above the cloud, the humidity has dropped. The GPS says that way but I suggest we steer clear of that. He points and within metres of where they stand is a cliff edge. They walk away from it and to a grass bank with a very steep rock face rising up from it.
Chris - We are close to the summit height now. We just need to get up this rock face.
Denzil - I am certain this is not the correct route but it’s a lot lighter now, let’s go for it. He looks around. Wow Chris, look at that.
Behind them as day approaches you can see the top of the clouds with mountain peaks poking through. They pause to take in the scene and then start to free climb the rock face for about 30metres. About 10 minutes later they pull themselves over the edge and see some other people heading down the mountain on a well defined path. Chris and Denzil get on the path and walk to the trig point. They pause for photos but it is still to dark for the spectacular backdrop to be seen properly.
Chris – Let’s head back. We can see the path now. [Cut to commercials]

Chris and Denzil are now racing down the hill. They overtake the group who reached the peak first.
Chris – We must have been flirting with and skirting around the path for most of the way up.
They reach a field with a style near the bottom. Denzil confidently points the way to the car park. They reach a dry river bed.
Chris – this isn’t the way we came in. The car park is about 700m that way.
Denzil – it all looked the same in the dark.
They follow the river bed and get back to the car. Kelly is sleeping and they wake her by knocking on the window.
Kelly - I had a hell of a time trying to sleep. Men kept using that wall as a toilet and I could not lock myself in without setting the car alarm off.
…………………………………………….
The following takes place between 6.06am and 10.49 am.
Chris is lightly dozing on the back seat. Denzil is navigating but dozes off frequently. The conversation is in hushed voices as though respecting the early morning. Chris wakes up to help get them to the Snowdon car park and points out a village Kelly could visit whilst he and Denzil are climbing.
Kelly – when I was reading about this one it said you have to jump out quickly at the car park because it is always full and the attendants complain if you stop at the entrance.
…………………………………………….
The following takes place between 10.50am and 1.58pm
Chris and Denzil jump out the car and wave to Kelly.
Denzil – this way. He walks through a gate next to somebody’s house.
Chris – the mountain is that way. They walk in the opposite direction. They walk through the car park and through a gate that is not next to somebody’s house.
Chris: This is the Miner’s Trail. It starts low, follows the lake and then gets very steep to meet the Pyg Path.
Denzil – a flat section is good for me, my legs have stiffened up quite a lot.
They walk past a large number of tourists on a very obvious path. They skirt two picturesque lakes before the path suddenly becomes a climb up a fairly steep rock face. Tourists are scrambling up and Chris and Denzil join the queue. [Cut to commercials].

Chris points to a cloud covered part of the mountain above them. – that is the peak up their. We’re on the final push.
Denzil – good I’m reaching my limit. I can’t believe how many people there are on this mountain.
They keep climbing, overtaking numerous panting tourists. They reach the summit plateau, covered in cloud, and follow the railway line to the trig point. They sit on the trig point.
Denzil – these flies are really annoying. They are everywhere.
Chris – yes, and so are the tourists. Let’s get a photo and go.
They get a stranger to take a picture and then head off.
Chris – I’m not sure my knees can take the pounding of climbing down that steep slope – let’s follow the Pyg Track back. [Cut to Commercials]

Chris and Denzil are almost running down the path as the end of the challenge approaches
Denzil – I don’t like this path so much, I’m glad we didn’t come up it. They pass a man sitting by the path.
Man (in strong Geordie accent) – is it far to the top lads?
Chris – maybe 45 minutes and there is nothing to see there.
Man – well maybe I’ll stop here then. He surveys the lake below him.
Chris – You’ve certainly got a nicer view. I’m not sure I’d bother.
Denzil: I reckon we have 25 minutes left. I’ll call Kelly.
They go around a blind bend and lose sight of the mountain but can now see the car park. They are soon passing through the gate that leads to it and signifies the official end of the challenge. Total time is just under 22.5 hours. Kelly arrives, parks and they get a photo and some very poor quality tea from the car park café.
Kelly – this is disgusting. Let’s go.
Denzil – If traffic is on our side we should be back in London for dinner. Who wants curry?