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You may, if you are paying close attention (although I’d settle for just some attention), have noticed that the cerebral challenges list is considerably shorter than the physical challenge list. That is not because I have focused on the physical side of this but rather because it is far easier to identify a specific date when a physical tasks is attempted and completed.

You may, if you are paying particularly close attention, have noticed that there has been a recent addition to the Cerebral Challenges list. Tomorrow I will have completed the “Article in the National Press” Challenge. It seemed to me that there were two ways to do this, either I file an article for free or I make up an ailment for Deirdre to resolve. I went with the former. This was made somewhat easier by The Independent helpfully having a daily section called “You write the Review”. I did. I submitted a review of a live music show I went to last Saturday – UNKLE at Somerset House. I submitted the review on Monday and on Tuesday got an email telling me it had been selected for publication.

So set aside your prejudices and political leanings and buy the Independent tomorrow (to the cheapskates, I am afraid that I do not think it is available online). Somewhere towards the back of the Extra section you should find my review. I hope you enjoy it and even if you don’t you can show it to people and say “I know the pretentious arse who wrote this” and you can laugh together at the grammatical typos that I have just noticed are in there. But I’ll have the last laugh because another challenge will be complete.

And Finally…
A connected newspaper issue came up at the back end of last week. I was quoted in this newspaper article about a case I was working on. You’ll see that this caused the News of the World to release an impressively bitchy statement against me. I was trying to decide if this meant I had completed another challenge. It is, after all, a pretty good achievement to be the subject of a national newspapers press release. Sadly I think that I cannot allow it. To be a challenge it needs to have been set as a target before hand. I had wondered if a challenge would be to be written about in an article but that does not require much skill – any fool who falls asleep on a train line can do it. It does make the “First Time at 30” list. And it’s a first of which I am particularly proud.

On the Origin of Specious

I have long been of the belief that Darwin’s theory on natural selection can be adapted and applied to most situations. Before the Lamarckists protest this post is not dependent on your believing in, or even particularly understanding the concept. It does, however require somewhat the acceptance that, even if wrong, Darwin’s idea is a decent fit to the evidence as we currently understand it. Where I think it becomes a little unravelled is in relation to the development of the human race. Again I do not think I am being controversial by suggesting that a theory on natural selection fundamentally requires a degree of selection. I don’t think that the human race collectively can be described as being particularly selective when it comes to finding a mate. As an old woman somewhere probably likes to say “There is somebody for everybody”.

Now, stick with this, there is a tenuous connection to the 30th Year of Challenges coming up. But first, this news report came out last week. It is a staggering drop in profit and they are welcome to ascribe it to the credit crunch, rising oil prices or whatever but not only did it comes as no surprise to me but is actually something I was thinking about just a couple of weeks ago. I believe that this is a case of clothing natural selection in action.

And now time for the tenuous connection. After training, whether it is at the gym or swimming it is traditional for people to use changing rooms to change. During that time I tend to observe other people (is that taboo to admit? Time to confess that I am, in fact, a normal, slightly nosey, person). My attention gets particularly drawn to people who are using brands that, despite being household names, you very rarely see any more. Two weeks ago that brand was Levis. The jeans market is saturated and Levis is in danger of becoming a dinosaur. You can get jeans that are cheaper or better cut or more a la mode or just about anything you can name. Being a pair of jeans is no longer enough. Levis were the missing link but their success has resulted in a glut of more evolved competitors out competing them. Other brands that I have noticed in this category include Calvin Klein underwear – yes I even notice other men’s pants - and Lynx (although that is likely to have an alligatoresque niche thanks to an impressive advertising campaign snaring 16 year old boys making their first step in body odour regulation).

It’s not over yet though. Selection can make brands on the brink of extinction come back stronger. The Burberry check plague almost destroyed it but this selection created positive mutations and they came back stronger. Some however failed. Anyone want a bottle of Hai Karate or Brut? Maybe somebody, somewhere is currently recreating these on a distant island called Olfassic Park. And maybe someone will spill the bottle and it seeps into a drain causing an overpowering odour all over the island. [note to self: is it too late to write a screenplay as a challenge?]

Good luck Levis. I wish you well but don’t expect me to donate £2 a week to save your plight, it’s natural and natural is very fashionable these days.

18th Gear

I have virtually nothing in common with Jeremy Clarkson. That sentence is actually fairly irrelevant to this entry but it makes me feel good to see it written down. It had one purpose and that is to provide me with a get out in case I make any basic mistakes when talking about cars.

I happily confess to having no interest in cars. I neither know nor care how they work or what makes one better than another. They are simply the thing that gets me where I want to go when I cannot walk. Until recently the only time I even think about them is to dodge them when I am crossing a road or feel smug that I no longer have one every time the news reports on price rises (i.e. every news bulletin).

That has changed recently, thanks to cycling. I have never been much of a cyclist either. They were always the thing that got me where I wanted to go when the distance was between walk and car. That has changed recently thanks to this year of challenges.

So now I have quite a nice bike and I need to take it out for long distances on roads shared with cars. On these rides I have plenty of thinking time. Cars occupy a lot of those thoughts. Usually little more than "red one, blue one, pink one - who owns a pink car?" or "do you want to give me any less room? you thoughtless bastard". Then, on a particularly dull stretch of road (between Windsor and Ascot, in case you know it) I became acutely aware of how dramatic a difference there is in the amount of noise different brands of car make. Size obviously has an impact, noise pollution being another stick we can use to beat the Chelsea Tractor brigade but going like for like in size stakes then my uncalibrated and biased measuring system (my ears) allowed me to form a definite brand hierarchy. And now, because I haven't posted much recently I'm going to share some very dull observations about cars. If your car brand is not mentioned name it in the comments section and I might reply with a detailed analysis of how noisy it is when it is overtaking you.

• German mid-range cars are all much of a muchness, making me wonder if they have a law that prescribing a precise sound emission level. They are noisier than I would have expected.
• American cars are quite loud and sound like they are being choked.
• Peugeot seems to have the biggest variation in relative noise between car sizes, Vauxhall is not far behind.
• Mitsubishis make a very unpleasant noise.
• The quietest cars on the road are Toyotas. In fact they are dangerously quiet and you do not always realise there is one behind you.
• The noisiest car on the road (excluding sports cars, which I assume are deliberately noisy) are Rovers. They could drown the noise of a herd of buffalo stampeding on a gravel track whilst chanting a marching song (in Buffaloesque, obviously).

Actually, on the subject of driving - if anybody fancies beingthe all expenses paid driver for 2 men travelling from Ben Nevis to Snowdon via Scafell Pike then please email me. Dates should be 25 (day off work) and 26 July.

0 Peaks

Disappointingly travel problems meant this one had to be postponed. Hopefully I can find a date later in the year to reschedule. The day will be shorter but the resolve will be stronger.

Important Road Safety Announcement

This weekend, for no discernible reason, there will be two people attempting to climb Ben Nevis, Scafell Pike and Snowdon. They will be driving between these mountains fuelled on little more than coffee, jelly babies, cat naps and Top Gear’s Greatest Drive Anthems – Parts 1 and 2.

It is anticipated that this journey will take place between the hours of 4pm on Saturday and 4pm on Sunday however their fickleness combined with a proven inability to use a compass and limited experience of the mountains means it would be no great surprise if they start at a different time or take a bit longer. Drivers are advised not to travel on any routes they may be on unless it is absolutely necessary.

Announcement Ends

"Come in, sit down, have a martini..."

The people have spoken. Out of 17 votes - which may sound small but represents about 1700% of my readership - it has been decided by just one vote that I will be studying hospitality. If I had counted offline votes then it would have been conflict management but, I haven't. You don't vote in general elections by sitting at home saying "David Cameron seems a lot more cuddly than Gordon Brown". There are rules to these things.

I confess to being curious about why hospitality was chosen. People either think it is something I am very good at and will find easy or it is something I am very bad at and need to learn. If anybody wants to let me know their reasoning by leaving a comment (it can be anonymous) then I would like to hear it. In fact that is true for anything I post.

So brace yourselves for discussions on how to receive guests, offer drinks and describe local places of interest. And just remember when I am boring you - you chose it.

Cheese Rolling

Let's start by answering the two big questions:

1. Who takes part in cheese rolling? I have sketched a Venn Diagram to answer this.

2. What goes through the mind of somebody chasing a ball of cheese down a steep hill in Gloucestershire?

Shhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

I'm afraid that the rest of this post is a bit of a downer. Cheese Rolling was a massive let down, a victim of its own media appeal. Look closely at a picture of the event that shows the top of the hill and you will see, in the middle, a large crowd of people. These are not spectators but at least 300 people who have turned up hoping to take part and are now crowded so closely on a slope that you cannot shiver without risking accusations of sexual assault.. At best 80 of these people will get to join in, and that is just through sheer chance of arriving early enough and standing in the right place (organisation is non-existent, nobody tells you what is happening). Most of the rest will just throw themselves down the hill after the official day is finished so as not to waste the drive down.

Then the lucky ones get to go through a gate and stand at the top of the hill for an age. It does not feel like an age, it is an age, so long that the adrenalin starts to wear off and you just want to start. A man in a white coat rolls a cheese and you jump. Those with aspirations of winning fly down, risking injury (and many were injured). Those with a sense of self-preservation still lose control but get down safely. It is a bit like a water park slide - the fast one that local legend has it that someone once died on. You stop at the bottom, recover your balance and thoughts, realise you are cold and wet, look around and realise nothing else is happening so wander back to the car, dry off, change and warm up. At this point the intention to go and take photos seems like the worst idea since Jackie said to John "It's a lovely day, why don't we put the roof down" so you go home with a sense of anticlimax.

Oh, and finally, to anybody doing these things in fancy dress, wearing a mankini does not make people like you or think you are clever, they mock you in whispers. You are like people who recite the dead parrot sketch at dinner parties.

Overall I'd give this one a D, don't believe the hype.